Diary of a whatever I am

Is it possible that maybe we’re supposed to accept our flaws even if they seem so grand? Are they really so?

We were born with a set of resources and skills, yes we can gain these and practice, learn and grow, but I mean we all have some subjectivity. Some limitations from inside of us. Or maybe that is just me. There’s a tool box of skills for us to use out there, I mean for specifically coping. But in the end, we learn much of it at a young age from our experiences with our parents and guardians (for some, it’s the lack thereof). And those teachings can carry on with us for the rest of our lives. Unless we try to break out of them, and even then, it’s a long road to break the decade’s worth of habits. It’s not miraculously done overnight. It takes persistence, stamina, and continuous fighting.

One of my greatest flaws is my mood swings. One day I’ll wake up and it’s the greatest day ever, and I’m happy as can be, and this carries on for me throughout any troubles I have that day. But other days… most days for me are a struggle. A battle with myself. A battle to get out of bed, to do something productive, to do anything other than lay there and drown in my own nothingness.

On these days, I’m just sad, about nothing at all. And I’m empty, just a shell of darkness. My thoughts are split between light and dark. The good trying to fight off the bad, but barely hanging on. It’s just feelings of no purpose, and no significance, but fighting that knowing that I do have purpose, and I have all these goals. But it’s just combatted with “who cares? Those goals don’t matter; they’re not even good enough. You’re just a waste. You do a few things right here and there, but mostly you just waste time, energy, resources- you’re just a waste for all the people who love you. You just hurt them; you do nothing good for them. Just kill yourself. It’s not worth it to feel this way.”

Yesterday was like this. I started off at a 5 maybe but I knew I was going under and I tried so hard to stay afloat. Worked out, went outside, ate right, drank plenty of water, played the guitar.

I always feel like I’m just this weak creature that needs a baby sitter, and I kept thinking that there’s something wrong with me, but maybe there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s just how I am. So I need to just accept myself the way everyone who loves me accepts me. It’s not babysitting; the people who love me want to be there for me. They WANT to see me happy and smiling.

It IS worth it. Those days ARE worth it. Because of the few but amazing GOOD days I have. Today is obviously one of those good days. I’m got out of bed looking FORWARD to writing, and to studying, and just to being awake. Instead of wanting to just stay asleep so I wouldn’t feel the hurt or the emptiness. Yes, I’m most definitely the text-book definition of depressed. And it’s something I’ve struggled with for so long that I’ve started wondering if it’ll ever go away. (Seriously, it’s been decades guys… DECADES). I’m exhausted from fighting with myself, from pushing myself, from disappointing myself when I have another bad day, which is probably going to be tomorrow, or may even be later today.

But you know what, right now. Right this very moment. I’m a high of 75. It’s not cloudy or rainy. And what matters now is to enjoy this moment the best I can!