Its Okay.

I know what it feels like. I can't speak for someone and their subjective experiences, but I can share mine. I can share the dark, scary places my mind sometimes takes me. The sunken feeling in my heart, as it feels like a shadow is drawn on any and all light. A very heavy shadow. My coping habit is to cry. Because crying is more than just "showing weakness" and tears sliding down your face. For me, it’s letting the weight fall from my heart through my tears. The tears aren't just wetness; they carry more than just salty water. They're full of emotion and all the heavy darkness from my heart. I let it pour through me. 

But there's a point where you need to stop yourself. I need to stop myself. The thoughts start to tumble, and sometimes they keep falling. Unless you stop yourself. Cry, it’s okay to cry, it may even be more than just okay. But limit it. After a point, let the tears lift you, not drag you down more. I'm saying this because I've found myself sometimes searching for reasons to keep crying. Maybe it’s because the tears feel good at first, and make me feel happier, but then I want to keep going and it makes it worse. 

Nobody can tell you when to do any of this; it has to be of your own volition. It all needs to be as you feel fit. "It’s okay to cry now, I'll let it out." A few minutes later, "I need to stop now; I need to start focusing my thoughts on the positive." I can’t explain how you know when to do any of this. How do I know? Lots of experience, and now I can just feel it in me, and know when to stop.

I've been in places (emotional places) where I know all the positive but the negative still takes me over. The pain from the negative no matter how small it may be in the larger picture, it’s too much for me in that moment and I know that I need to just cry. 

Enough about crying. Now we need to focus on what to do after you cried. You can't just sit there and continue being sad. The point of crying is to feel better at the end. Not end up in some cycle of depression. Focus on positive things. Focus on all the good. Trust me, I've heard this advice so many times in my life, and I've never been able to really understand it and know how to use it. I can't teach anyone or tell anyone how to do that. How did I finally learn? Honestly, after my dad died, a lot of things suddenly just "made sense." Sayings and advice just "clicked" and all of a sudden I could use them. Focus on the positive, is one of those sayings. Right now I'm looking forward to seeing someone I'm missing. I know that every day apart from them is another day closer. I know that it’s okay to miss them, because I love them. And it’s even better to know that they'll be back soon, and to look forward to that day. 

I have 14 days before they’re back. In these 14 days I can actually do well for myself and for him when he returns. I can improve myself. So I am better for him. I can eat healthy, and work out, and clean not only my house and my environment, but my body and my mind (by working out and eating right). I can do this. I can be more active, and I can make a habit. Or at least a routine. I need to force myself. And it doesn't  have to be so hard, but it needs to be hard enough that I push myself to do things. I will grant myself this day, but observe how a "loose" day makes you feel. in contrast, tomorrow, have a routine, do things, be productive, take rest, but not so much that you fall into a slump. Stay active. There’s always something to do.

You can't wait until "you feel like it" before you do something. You need to do it, and then your feelings will follow. You’ll be happier for it. Force yourself, I know how hard it is, but do it anyways. Force yourself. One simple step. Do 10 sit ups, if that's still too much, then do 5. And once you start keep your promise to yourself. If you said you'll only do 5 and after 5 that's all you want to do, then stop. Honor your word to yourself. But try again soon. Try often. Try try try. It’s the only thing we can keep doing to ensure success.