The Muna Effect

Friends and family are wonderful and I'm so grateful for having each and every person I love and who love me in my life. They are there to support you and help you, and be there for you. But even then there are moments and times or days and weeks where you may feel alone. It could be depression or bipolar disorder or something you ate or watched or who cares. Who cares? It doesn't matter what it is, because in that moment of sheer dark and emptiness and you're wondering why nobody you love is there for you- all that matters in that moment is knowing that someone IS there for you, and that someone is yourself. I just had possibly the most traumatizing dream ever. I'm not even so sure why I reacted the way I did from this dream, because I'm sure I've had worse and seen worse in movies. At first I was fixated on waking up a friend because I just needed some support but that didn't go too well (extreme sleep deprivation makes it really hard to wake up someo...

Just for giggles, here's a clip of my favorite childhood show! Sailor Muna, Over and out ;)

People keep telling me to be grateful, and “other people have it worse than you” and bla bla bla All these are true words that did NOT help me when I was down. I don’t know why it  didn't  help me then. Maybe I wasn’t open to receiving? Maybe I just needed whatever growth spurt I had after my dad died? I never have good advice on how to grow up, see clearly, open your mind. All I can ever do is just write my experiences and hope that maybe it’ll help someone? I guess that’s what everyone else had been trying to do for me my entire life, and I could never take their help. I’m not sure if I can now, but what I can do is share what I’ve learned. What I’ve learned is that ever since I made the conscious decision to actively be more grateful, I’ve been building on a more positive view of the world and of my life and of myself. I guess part of it had always been that I didn’t know HOW to be grateful. And that it felt like a chore. What am I supposed to do? Just list all...

Is it possible that maybe we’re supposed to accept our flaws even if they seem so grand? Are they really so? We were born with a set of resources and skills, yes we can gain these and practice, learn and grow, but I mean we all have some subjectivity. Some limitations from inside of us. Or maybe that is just me. There’s a tool box of skills for us to use out there, I mean for specifically coping. But in the end, we learn much of it at a young age from our experiences with our parents and guardians (for some, it’s the lack thereof). And those teachings can carry on with us for the rest of our lives. Unless we try to break out of them, and even then, it’s a long road to break the decade’s worth of habits. It’s not miraculously done overnight. It takes persistence, stamina, and continuous fighting. One of my greatest flaws is my mood swings. One day I’ll wake up and it’s the greatest day ever, and I’m happy as can be, and this carries on for me throughout any troubles I have t...

Live positively, not hiding in the darkness It’s scary looking at things hopefully, afraid of the crash when they don’t work out the way you planned. I’ve lived my entire life constantly looking for reasons to not be excited, and not look forward to things. My depression makes this really easy and probably feeds it’s and prolongs the depression. I always thought I was being a realist, and not just a pessimist. But there’s a fine line, and I was crossing it. I didn’t want to be excited for things for fear of what would happen if they didn’t work out. I didn’t want to raise my hopes and then have them crashing down. What’s wrong with this is that I wasn’t leaving any room for positive thinking at all. I was so scared of falling, I wasn’t letting myself rise up and even be happy. Yes, it’s possible to be so used to not being happy that when happy things happen, you’re almost scared of this unfamiliar feeling. It’s as if you don’t even know what to do with it. Here’s what I’...

I know what it feels like. I can't speak for someone and their subjective experiences, but I can share mine. I can share the dark, scary places my mind sometimes takes me. The sunken feeling in my heart, as it feels like a shadow is drawn on any and all light. A very heavy shadow. My coping habit is to cry. Because crying is more than just "showing weakness" and tears sliding down your face. For me, it’s letting the weight fall from my heart through my tears. The tears aren't just wetness; they carry more than just salty water. They're full of emotion and all the heavy darkness from my heart. I let it pour through me.  But there's a point where you need to stop yourself. I need to stop myself. The thoughts start to tumble, and sometimes they keep falling. Unless you stop yourself. Cry, it’s okay to cry, it may even be more than just okay. But limit it. After a point, let the tears lift you, not drag you down more. I'm saying this because I'...

I've always considered my life as several puzzle pieces, aiming towards putting together this ginormous picture one day, and when that picture is complete... life itself will be over even if I'm alive, you know what I mean? Fortunately, I don’t think that will ever happen. Life is a never-ending puzzle. We’re constantly putting pieces together. And it’s not like these pieces aren't malleable (or is that only applicable to metals?); the pieces can grow. Or rather they la yer up and create a larger and larger picture. Actually, it’s the framing that changes. My perspective and my view. There's this huge image, but I can only see so much of it. And lately (for the past two years or so) it seems that every so often my fr ame enlarges to allow more of the image to be seen. And it always opens my eyes up a little more, and I always feel a little more secure and snug. Like I just plugged in another piece of the puzzle. And it’s the perfect fit. It might even be compared...